Ramblings of a Sober Man

I originally posted this to my creative writing blog on April 11, 2015, and I stumbled across it today. Good heavens, it’s dark. As I read it today, that tight, sick feeling I had during very early sobriety came back. I never want to forget it.

I started freewriting today and a theme emerged quickly. Shocking, I know, to learn that it involves my journey in sobriety.

My heart’s on display in a weird museum, splayed out for kids, grandmothers and zoned-out teens to see.

“It’s black,” a kid says, wrinkling his nose.

“It’s damn hideous is what it is,” notes a mustached father, big-bellied and daydreaming of a Latvian prostitute named Melody, the saddest woman you can imagine, her tattoos like brands, her voice thick with regret, icing on her burned fingers which he obediently licks like a dog.

The walk away from my heart and tour the rest of the Museum of the Lost, Damaged, and Fucked-Up (LDFU, and the board members grin like safe-crackers when they get together to take shots of blood (“Remember to always B positive!” howls Daniel McCracken, drunk on hemoglobin and starving for more platelets).

“You exaggerate everything,” says the girl from the Far East, the one I killed months ago but who stubbornly refuses to die.

“It’s my fatal flaw,” I say from the kitchen, wishing like hell I was drunk. 95 days without booze or my heart. It’s too much for a man to take, isn’t it?

I read Pema Chödrön and hide in the Earth’s fissures and beg my Higher Power to send an earthquake that’ll destroy everything. I understand destruction, crave it as much as I crave breath.

I break into the museum late at night, silencing the alarms with a glare. I kneel before my heart that sits on a velvet cushion behind a Plexiglass cube.

I tap on the case, but my heart doesn’t respond. Not even one, weak beat.

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About Robert Crisp

Just a lad who likes to create.
This entry was posted in addiction, alcoholism, early sobriety, recovery, sober, sobriety, withdrawal and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Ramblings of a Sober Man

  1. ksdays100 says:

    Whoa! Yes dark indeed, but very cool imagery, 95 days without a drink or my heart, and praying for an earthquake to take it all away. Amazing way to sum up what we all have felt a little bit of.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Robert Crisp says:

      Thanks! I’m glad I’ve moved beyond that. I remember doing a check-in with my IOP group when we went around and said how we felt physically and emotionally…and I felt numb inside. I went from numb to cycling through emotions, and I’m not which was worse. Bleah. No more of that mess for me.

      Liked by 1 person

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