Okay, Perhaps I Give a Fig or Two

In last night’s post, I said the Dark Side is coming (and nothin’ is real), and when I get that way, my brain gets stuck on negative thoughts like there’s no point to anything. We live, we die. Might as well go down in flames.

I woke up today feeling semi-decent, but I usually feel semi-decent in the morning. I crash around 7:00 AM. Still, I was cranky enough to Google the term “the universe is cold and indifferent.” I found this quote by the phenomenal Stanley Kubrick:

“The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death — however mutable man may be able to make them — our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.” 

Genius

Genius

He goes on to add: “If man merely sat back and thought about his impending termination, and his terrifying insignificance and aloneness in the cosmos, he would surely go mad, or succumb to a numbing sense of futility. Why, he might ask himself, should he bother to write a great symphony, or strive to make a living, or even to love another, when he is no more than a momentary microbe on a dust mote whirling through the unimaginable immensity of space?”

Why indeed? Because we want our lives to have meaning. If there’s no ultimate reward or punishment at the end of the human experience (I was raised to believe in Heaven and Hell but reject those notions now) and cessation  of consciousness is to be our fate, then why not live and love and create and share and do the best one can? Right? RIGHT?!?

Well, of course, but for me that’s easier said than done. Like most alcoholics, I’m a perfectionist. For many things, if I can’t do it perfectly–meaning done my way–then fuck it. Perhaps that’s why my biggest passions are writing and music; neither is collaborative. At least, not initially. If I were to publish my work, I would have to work with others unless I went the self-publishing route. The same goes for music. But why do I create? Why bother posting this blog or updating my Soundcloud?

Because I want people to read my words and hear my music. I desperately want connection, but I want it on my terms. I’m trying to change that. Relationships aren’t like mirrors; I can’t just keep staring at someone and expect to see myself and, when I do, decide to proceed. It’s a hard lesson to learn, and I think–I hope–I’m teachable.

So this may or may not be a Dark Day. I’ll know soon enough. I’m open to the possibility of it being good, though.

That’s another step in the right direction.

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About Robert Crisp

Just a lad who likes to create.
This entry was posted in addiction, alcoholism, early sobriety, sobriety, withdrawal and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Okay, Perhaps I Give a Fig or Two

  1. I am enjoying your musings, be they good, bad, or indifferent.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. jenniemaude says:

    Connection on my terms isn’t producing results for me. I like the words you use.

    Liked by 1 person

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