Pfft, whatever. Unlikely. Survey says…
Come on, I gotta have a little humor about this, even if it’s gallows humor. I take my 23 days of sobriety seriously, and I do think that I might be a tiny bit on the road to recovery. Why?
Because I’ve had a pretty good day, and I didn’t freak out over that fact. I mean, I’m currently, actively have a good day with a normal range of emotions that aren’t all over the place, and I’m not fucking worried about that. That’s a big deal.
Last night in group when I said I never trusted myself when I felt good–I’ve been like that since way before I began drinking–one guy rolled his eyes and said, “So you’re having a good day…just enjoy it, what’s the problem?”
I didn’t snap back at him, “Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot I was in a room of fucking addicts and alcoholics who might have a bit of difficulty enjoying themselves without ingesting a mood-altering substances, or wait a minute, maybe I’m getting used to having feelings again without questioning them or maybe I’m still detoxing, you flippant, wise-cracking, covering-my-pain-with-dumb-ass-comments bastard. Other people in the group got my back.
So, returning to my good day. I was pretty blah last night, but I didn’t fall into the pit, and I didn’t crawl inside the Dark Place and slam the door shut. Today, I responded to two texts–which is huge for me–and made a plan to call a friend tonight. I might have coffee with a friend from church next week because she reached out to check on me and I thought, “Well, maybe it would do be some good to talk with a sober person about all this.”
Wha?!?!? Is this the same man who was crawling on the literal and metaphorical ground the other day? It is. No one hijacked my blog. I’m having a good day and I’m only questioning it a little bit. Okay, more than a little bit, but I’m not dreading the crash. If it comes, it comes. I’ll make it through with the help of friends and my group tonight. I have support. As Katie said last night before we said the Serenity Prayer, “We hold hands to remind ourselves we don’t have to do this alone.”
I’ll drink to that. Well, I won’t, but you know what I mean.