I had plans for a great update and post. I was gonna drop some knowledge on you fine folks, knowledge I learned last night’s education and group. I also was going to tell you about the tiniest flicker of hope I felt in me about my recovery; I was going to describe how door to the dark room inside of me cracked open just a bit, and I began thinking that maybe–possibly, with a great deal of hesitation, and the odds stacked against it–I could perhaps be decent human people that people would want around. A guy that made someone say, “Hey, I wonder what Robert’s up to?” or “I haven’t heard from that sonofagun in a while. I’d like to hear his voice.” I had plans, and I felt good enough this morning that I thought, I’ll have time to write that when I get to work.
And then something small came up that I had to take care of. Nothing big at all, and probably nothing would make a non-addict even bat an eye, but I felt paralyzed and I crashed. I just crashed hard into the ground and the loop began playing after 24 hours of relative silence: you idiot. You can’t do anything right. God, you can’t even take care of this? No wonder your life is going off the rails. How old are you again? 41? Whatever, it doesn’t matter who old you are, you moron, you’re never going to change. You think you can, but you can’t. You ruin everything you touch, and people hate you. Just drink yourself to death. That was the plan, wasn’t it? Well, maybe you won’t screw that up, so get to it.
This is why I’m keeping this blog. I hope other people find it helpful, but I’ll to be reminded of how fucking awful I feel about myself right now. I know what the loop says isn’t true. I know it intellectually, but I don’t feel it. Right now, I want to block out everything, shut off my feelings, and just drift…
…but I won’t. I could, but I won’t, because there’s enough fight left in me, even as low as I feel at this moment. I’m going into my 18th day of sobriety. I’m not even close to being out the rapids yet, and I’m heading to Class IVs.
I have no idea if I even took my mood stabilizer today. I usually take my pills in order, but after I took my vitamin, I just stared at the bottles in front of me. My money’s on not taking it, but if I did and this is just an emotional shit-storm, then I have to wait it out until I can take my other pill at four. And then…then I don’t know. I’m jittery, jumpy, and my mind is spitting out poison right now. The only thing I can do is hang on right now, but I have a meeting with Katie at 12:30. That’s an hour-and-a-half.
But Jesus, it feels like an eternity.